


Final goodbyes

by transconstellation



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn, falsettos
Genre: Angst, M/M, What would I do?, falsettos one shot, if i was a sorry for the previous fic what am i now, marvin I’m sorry, this is pain, whizzvin one shot, whizzvin short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 08:38:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13655415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transconstellation/pseuds/transconstellation
Summary: Marvin knew how to give speeches. He was smart, good with words. This time... This time he sure as hell wished he wasn’t.Whizzer is trans in my writing.





	Final goodbyes

Each breath trembling more than the last, Marvin slowly walked towards the microphone. The crumbled up piece of paper in his hand was stained with sweat, neat writing now smudged to a point where it was almost impossible to read. It wasn’t like Marvin needed it anyway; he’d memorized his speech a long time ago. It was something he worked on during those late nights when Whizzer wheezed in his sleep and Marvin couldn’t even close his eyes, too scared of losing the love of his life. Marvin needed to make sure Whizzer kept breathing, even if it was wheezy and difficult. As long as Marvin heard the raspy rattling that rose from Whizzer’s chest, things were still tolerable. At least Whizzer was alive. So instead of sleeping, he wrote. He wrote beautiful words, just trying to capture the essence of the beautiful man laying beside him. But no matter how beautiful those words were, they still hurt like a knife piercing Marvin’s heart. He never thought he’d have to speak them so soon.

Trina had made sure Marvin’s suit was clean and ironed. Marvin couldn’t even remember the last time he’d worn clean clothes that were fresh out of laundry. When Whizzer got too weak to tease him about his style, Marvin lost the rest of whatever little interest he used to have in dressing up. It was far too painful, as it brought back the memories of Whizzer telling everyone that Marvin didn’t share his devotion to style. Marvin’s devotion was Whizzer and anything that reminded him of the lost lover made living almost unbearable. At least it wouldn’t be long till they’d meet again.

When he reached the stool that he was supposed to stand behind and give his speech from, Marvin had to place his hands on the smooth wooden surface to keep himself together. He could feel the eyes of everyone in the room burn holes on his skin. It wasn’t just the tight knit family; Whizzer’s friends were there too. Some were ex-boyfriends, other queerplatonic support from different times of Whizzer’s life. Most of them sat in total silence, some of the softer people cried quietly. They all stared at Marvin though, knowing that if someone knew Whizzer, it was him.

And they waited, the whole room did, for Marvin to start speaking.

Marvin could feel his chest tightening, sorrow and pain overwhelming him again. He squeezed his hands into fists, the piece of paper completely forgotten in his fingers. When he finally straightened his back and held his head high, his cheeks were wet and pale, speaking of something far beyond ordinary heartbreak.

“What would I do if I had not met him?” Marvin started, his voice cracking at the first mention of his lover, “who would I blame my life on?” The corner of Marvin’s mouth curled up a little as he realized how true the statement was. Trina breathed out a quiet chuckle, but it was soon interrupted by a sob she stifled. Who indeed could Marvin blame now? Of all the mistakes, of everything that had happened, of finally getting to see what real love looked like? Who would he blame for his life first crumbling into pieces, torn apart by a terrifyingly fiery pretty boy only to be pieced back together by the very same someone? The someone who’d stolen Marvin’s heart. The someone who was gone.

The smile was gone from Marvin’s lips as he continued to speak. “Once I was told that all men get what they deserve. Who the hell then threw this curve?” Whizzer was one of the best men Marvin had ever met. One of the most deserving, most compassionate, most vibrant. What he deserved was to grow old, Marvin by his side. To see the world, to be treated like a king, to be loved. He for sure did not deserve to fade away into a shadow of the man he used to be, to die in pain, trying to make sure Marvin would keep going without him. Sure, Whizzer was naive when they’d first met, but the man he’d grown into? That man deserved the whole world. To Marvin, that man was the whole world. But he’d been stolen away. “There are no answers, but what would I do, I he had not been my friend?”

By now, the room was filled with quiet sniffling and stifled cries. A few of the queer men at the back comforted one another by soft touches and gentle hugs. It only reminded Marvin about how Whizzer tried so hard to take the pain away from those around him, all the while he himself was in too much pain to even move. Whizzer was so kind and so smart and so caring and it hurt so bad to see that same care in those gathered there, mourning him. Marvin couldn’t watch the people he spoke to, so instead he just stared into the ground by the feet of the first row of people.

“Whizzer is… He was the only one, one out of a thousand others, only one my child would allow.” Marvin glanced at Jason who was curled up against Trina’s side, tried to give him a smile, but Jason’s nodding and wet eyes almost threw him off. Jason had loved Whizzer like a father and… Losing him hurt Jason, too, just as much as it did everyone else. It wasn’t fair that Jason had to go through his family breaking apart all over again, just when it had become stable and loving and soft. And yet, they had to be there, had to say farewell to the one that had made the room light up by just walking in.

“When I’m having fun, he’s the one I want to talk to,” Marvin continued, tears streaming down his face, blurring his vision, “where have you been, Whizzer? Where are you now?” At Marvin’s side was where he was supposed to be. Taking in a sharp breath, Marvin forced himself to keep it together, almost laughing at how much it hurt. “Who would I be, if I had not loved him?” Words shaking and voice cracking, Marvin’s whole body trembled with how hard he was fighting his own mind, the need to just break down. “How would I know what love is?”

Whizzer had shown Marvin what it meant to be loved. When they got back together after spending some time apart, Marvin’s life seemed perfect. Him and Whizzer were so good together they radiated positive energy. Of course they still fought every now and then, but it wasn’t like it used to be. It wasn’t ugly or hurtful on purpose. It was what every couple had, flawed everyday life, but it was good. It was loving. Before that, Marvin truly did not know that that kind of unconditional love existed. Whizzer showed him what it meant to love someone with one’s whole heart. 

With his next words, Marvin breathed out a soft laugh, his lips curling up again for just a moment. “God only knows, too soon I’ll remember your faults,” he said quietly, almost like he was just speaking to himself. Whizzer’s flaws… The hairline, the slow mornings, the habit where he left cups of tea everywhere and never remembered to drink them. They weren’t flaws at all and soon Marvin’s eyes darkened again. “Meanwhile thought it’s tears and schmaltz.” 

It was tears. It was tears and snot and sobbing into the early morning. It was nightmares and screaming into the pillow and clutching at sides just to keep the pain from ripping everything into pieces. It was never remembering to eat, the house feeling too empty, forgetting that Whizzer wasn’t there in bed. 

“All my life I wanted men and when I got it up to have them… Who knew it could end my life?” Marvin continued and glanced at Trina who met his eyes with a broken smile. She knew exactly what Marvin meant and her eyes told him that it was okay. “I left my kid, I left my wife, to be with him - to be insulted by such handsome men.” It was just one man. It was just one man and one man only. And now that one man was gone.

“Do I regret?” Marvin asked, shaking his head a bit. “I’d do it again,” Words strong and sure, Marvin nodded to himself, but soon he softened a bit. “I’d like to believe I’d do it again and again.” This time he raised his head and faced the crowd with serious eyes, his commitment evident on his face. Marvin would do it again. He’d do it a hundred times again if it was Whizzer he’d abandon everything for.

“What more can I say?” Marvin’s voice cracked again, his words quieting down after the powerful words. “How am I to face tomorrow, after being screwed out of today?” Again it sounded almost like he’d forgotten anyone else was there, running a hand over his wet face, drying his eye a bit. “Tell me what’s in store. Yes, I’d beg or steal or borrow,” Marvin wasn’t one I admit he’d ever beg for anyone, “if I could hold him for one hour more.” Tears filled his eyes again, a sob shaking his upper body. For Whizzer, he’d beg on his knees. “For one hour more.” 

Marvin stood at the front, trying not to remember the lazy sundays in bed, Whizzer playing with his camera or reading. He tried not to remember the late nights on the couch, Whizzer falling asleep with his head in Marvin’s shoulder or lap. He tried not to remember the slow, silly dancing as the night turned into morning, in just their boxers and Whizzer in his binder as they laughed so hard their tomachs hurt, staying close at all times. “What would I do if I had not seen him?” Marvin didn’t look at the crowd any longer, just spoke quietly, defeated. “Who would I feast my eyes on?”

“Once I was told that good men get better with age. We’re just gonna skip that stage,” the last few words almost inaudible, Marvin had to stifle yet another sob. A few people in the audience, Cordelia in Charlotte’s arms and Trina included, had gone from quiet tears to full on weeping. Charlotte’s face was stone as she watched Marvin, knowing just how much weight that phrase truly held. Trina too picked up on it, making sure she’d ask Marvin what he meant by saying ‘we’.

“There are no answers, but what would I do, if he hadn’t been my friend? No simple answers…” Marvin’s words trailed off and he slowly turned away from the mike. Trina immediately rushed to help him, because he couldn’t see where he put his feet thanks to the tears, barely able to stand on his own. His knees were weak and it was just too much to handle. A few more people said a few more words, but Marvin wasn’t listening. He was tired and wanted to get back to bed, to forget anything ever happened.

But he couldn’t. He still had to eat food with everyone and talk to the guests. So they moved into another room, Trina and Mendel walking side by side with Marvin, guiding him towards the tables. “I’ll bring you something,” Trina mumbled and kissed Marvin’s hair as she hurried away to bring his ex husband a plate of food to eat. Marvin’s head buzzed with white noise, the only thought in there the emptiness that could only be filled by Whizzer’s presence. At least he wouldn’t have to wait long to follow his Unlikely lover.

When Trina came back, Marvin was staring out of the window. The rest of the tight knit family had sat by him, Cordelia and Charlotte across and Jason and Mendel to his left. Trina sat on his right. A few of Whizzer’s old friends had stopped by to thank Marvin for giving such a beautiful speech, others had given their condolences. None of it mattered to Marvin. Nothing mattered anymore. So he decided to be honest; he didn’t have energy to hide anything any longer. 

“I’m sick too.” The statement was blunt, Marvin’s voice calm and steady as if he’d just said it rained outside. Trina froze where she was, Charlotte’s brows furrowed. Anyone else didn’t seem to catch Marvin’s words, so he repeated them. “I’m sick like Whizzer is. Was.” The fork that Trina had held fell onto her plate, causing a loud clink. Marvin continued, staring blankly ahead. “It’s gotten so bad I’ve asked Charlotte if she could help me with the pain,” he mumbled and Charlotte nodded, confirming his words. Trina gasped and slammed a hand over her mouth, stifling the scream that tried to escape. There was a lot of stifling that afternoon. Marvin couldn’t face any of them as he heard Cordelia’s glass break against the floor. She’d dropped it just like Trina did with her fork. Mendel didn’t say anything and neither did Jason, who just stared straight ahead like his father. In all honesty, he’d figured out his dads were both sick. If it was gay men tat were dying, it included Marvin too. And Jason had been thinking about that a lot. But still, hearing it said out loud wasn’t easy in any way.

“I’m sorry,” Marvin said quietly as Trina wrapped her arms around him. This was what Marvin had meant when he said ‘we’re just gonna skip that stage’. Trina had hoped it was just an unconscious habit of saying ‘we’, but her worst fears became reality instead. Mendel placed a hand on Marvin’s shoulder and Jason moved from his seat to sit on his father’s lap for the first time in years. Jason was getting too old to do that and physical affection wasn’t really a thing between him and his dad, but he just had to be close to Marvin. “We love you, Marv,” Charlotte whispered and held her Cordelia close, whose face was streaked with tears again. Marvin closed his eyes, too exhausted to even cry any more, repeating his words. “I’m so sorry.” And he was. He was sorry for all the pain he’d caused his tight knit family. He was sorry he’d broken Trina’s heart. He was sorry that Whizzer had died. He was sorry he was still alive and Whizzer wasn’t. He was sorry he was sick. He was sorry he was dying, breaking his family’s hearts all over again. He was just so damn sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know. And I apologize. I cried writing this.


End file.
